Experts say … sleep is important. Ever heard of Sleeping Beauty? How long did she sleep for? I just googled the question, and apparently in the original fairy tale, it was 100 years. Now I want to know, how did she look so young and glam after being asleep for that long? I just googled “beauty sleep” and it’s a real thing, for sure. According to Michael Breus, PhD, a board-certified sleep specialist, if you start getting 1 to 3 more hours of Zzz’s, and you could see some improvement in as little as a day. Keep it up, and “within 2 to 3 weeks, people will notice that you’re sleeping better by the way you look,” Breus says.
Okay, so remember when Beyonce said “I woke up like this.” That’s a bunch of BS. Who really wakes up like that? I mean, I go to sleep looking far from flawless, never mind how I look when I wake up.
Here’s my prepare-for-sleep-routine:
First, I snore. I only know this because I’ve been told that I do and because I wake myself up from snoring, especially when I get a massage. I’m just waiting for someone to buy me a “I don’t snore, I dream I’m a chainsaw” tee-shirt. I saw my doctor for the issue years ago. I was hoping for some miracle method to help me with the struggle, but he just told me to put tennis balls in a backpack and wear that to bed. He was serious. What? Dude, I’m dating. What am I supposed to tell my boyfriend? Oh, don’t mind the knapsack, I’m just packing my bag for sleepytown.
So, then I got some breath right strips, which I quickly found out do not work. At least for severe cases like mine. Who knows how long it actually stays on your nose, because I usually wake up with it stuck to my forehead. See how she isn’t smiling…and then she is. It’s a lie.
I decided to try this “silicone anti snore nasal dilator stop snoring nose clip.” I chose the red option; go for the “Rudolph-chic” look. Bonus: it also doubles as a runny-nose deposit reservoir.
I’ve got a backpack, a sticker on my nose and a device that plugs into my nostrils. Alas, still snoring. So, I decide to splurge on the “Аnti-Snore Stop Snoring Chin Strap.” I looked like I had shiny blue child-size speedo underwear around my head. The snoring continued.
On to the next contraption… ever heard of the “Anti Snoring Tongue Retaining Device Snore Solution”. It’s like a condom for your tongue. Look at this guy, snuggling his girlfriend like it’s no big deal. Also, extra comfort? Nothing about a rubber jellyfish shaped mouthpiece around my tongue was comfortable.
In addition to all of my anti-snore devices, I use zit cream at night, because sleepy time is when you really take care of those pesky pimples. I also have my retainers in so that my teeth are kept in a straight line. And a silky hair cap to keep my hair from frizzing even more than it already does.
And my Mom had bought me a pair of bunion correctors. Well, it was an entire kit (clearly she was trying to tell me something. Hint taken).
The issue with those is that:
- They are painful to wear.
- They are difficult to figure out. So many straps and so much velcro.
- They are made with hard plastic, so I click when I walk. Sounds like a horse is clip clopping to the bathroom to pee at 2am.
Now you’ll never see a picture of me with all of my sleep equipment. Just paint the mental picture for yourself:
A backpack with tennis balls, a breath right strip stuck to my nose, a red nostril piece plugged in, a shiny blue chin strap, a tongue condom, zit cream, retainers, a silk sleep cap and bunion correctors.
I look like an exotic backpacking sea creature from a horror movie.
What I’m saying is, perception is not reality. What you see on the outside is how everyone “shows up”. On social media, at events, on television. There’s photoshop, filters, fake eyelashes, perfect angles, bomb lighting. Don’t let yourself get wrapped up in the perfection that everyone else seems to flaunt. Don’t let their seemingly perfect figure/ complexion/ hair/life make you feel less than. You are the only YOU there is and the only YOU there ever has been or ever will be. Embrace it. Even the most flawless humans are human. I guarantee Beyonce is headed to bed wearing zit cream, a breath right strip and shiny blue underwear around her head too. Love who you are, always. Bunions and all.